


Scars

by Burgie



Category: Star Stable Online
Genre: M/M, tw:Suicidal thoughts, tw:self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 05:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11052702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burgie/pseuds/Burgie
Summary: On a hot day, Ydris discovers one of Jack's secrets.





	Scars

Ydris normally never questioned why most Jorvegians wore multiple layers of clothing. They had just come out of a terrible winter, after all, and the cold probably hadn’t left their bones yet. But today, even Ydris had removed his outer coat while he worked outside. He had to perform some maintenance on the cages, otherwise the griffin might escape. Jack still couldn’t see it, which was strange. He couldn’t even see the Pegasus, not even with the soul that Ydris knew he had.

But, while Ydris was sweating even with only a button-up shirt and trousers on, Jack was still adamant about keeping his jacket on despite clearly struggling in the heat.

“Oh, come now, Jack, you are making me uncomfortable to look at you,” said Ydris, fed up with seeing his boyfriend sweat. “Take that heavy jacket off, you’ll feel better.”

“No,” said Jack, stepping away from him. His skin was swimming with sweat, but he wouldn’t take his jacket off. Wouldn’t let his boyfriend see… even as he got woozy and had to stumble away to sit under a tree. Jack panted, holding his shirt away from his chest. Why hadn’t he worn a long-sleeved shirt today? Then again, Jorvik had no weather forecast, so it wasn’t like he’d had any warning.

As Jack sat there in the shade, the world began to get darker. Maybe it was just the shade. Maybe some clouds had finally hidden the sun. Maybe it was getting late. But his hearing was also getting muffled, and he felt strange. Jack closed his eyes for just a moment…

“Jack!” Ydris called, kneeling down in front of his boyfriend and peeling off the younger man’s jacket. He knew that Jack was getting too hot, but his boyfriend was just too stubborn to take his jacket off. And Ydris didn’t know why. Did it have something to do with him being trans? But then Ydris finally managed to peel the sleeves off, and his heart seemed to catch in his throat as he saw the raised skin glistening with sweat.

When Jack woke up, he was grateful for the cool breeze cooling his body. His arms felt a lot lighter now, not being weighted down by that jacket anymore. His shirt was still soaked with sweat, so he couldn’t have been out for that long. But when he felt the long fingers touching his scars, Jack immediately opened his eyes and pulled his arms towards himself.

“Don’t,” Jack murmured. Ydris looked very concerned.

“Who did this to you?” asked Ydris, his voice quiet and dangerous.

“I did,” said Jack, folding his arms in front of his chest. At least Ydris hadn’t undressed him entirely. He’d only taken off his jacket.

“What?” asked Ydris, shock clear in his voice. Jack didn’t look at him, instead rubbing his upper arms and staring at his lap.

“What, you don’t recognise self-harm scars when you see them?” asked Jack, glancing up at Ydris and then wishing that he hadn’t. His boyfriend looked so concerned, and hurt. “I told you I was fucked up.”

“I never imagined,” said Ydris, and Jack snorted.

“Yeah, most people don’t imagine. They prefer not to think about it,” said Jack.

“But why?” asked Ydris. “Why would you?” He reached for Jack’s hands, but Jack tucked them into his armpits.

“Oh, take a guess,” said Jack. “Really, any guess might be the right one. Being born in the wrong body, assholes constantly misgendering me and calling me a dead name, the dark thoughts that just don’t stop coming.” He was digging his fingernails into his skin, trying to fight off the memories, but he could feel them coming. And the tears. 

“Oh, Jack,” said Ydris, wrapping his arms around him. And then the tears came, and Jack felt the tightness in his chest loosen as he sobbed into his boyfriend’s arms. He uncrossed his arms and instead wrapped them around Ydris, needing to cling to the one he loved so that the memories wouldn’t drag him under again.

“They’re old, though,” said Jack when the tears subsided. “There’s some on my legs, too. Not that anyone would ever see them, I don’t exactly make a habit of wearing booty shorts.”

“Please don’t ever do that again,” said Ydris.

“I won’t if I have a reason not to,” said Jack, beginning to pull away. But Ydris caught his wrists, the ones that had been victim to so much undeserved pain. Ydris rubbed his thumbs over the scars, making Jack bite his lip and look away. Ydris shouldn’t have to see that. Shouldn’t have to worry like that. Shouldn’t have to be with someone who’d do that…

“Jack,” said Ydris. “Look at me.” Jack did, and was surprised to see the intensity in Ydris’ eyes. Even in the dark eye, the one that seemed to swallow all light. Ydris was gripping Jack’s wrists quite tightly, as though trying to keep hold of him. Jack was grateful for it, not wanting the darkness to swallow him up again.

“What?” said Jack, his voice husky and on the verge of tears. Ydris looked to be holding back tears himself, but his voice was strong when he spoke.

“Please don’t let that blade touch your skin again,” said Ydris, stroking his fingers over the skin.

“I won’t,” said Jack, almost losing the battle again. Why did Ydris care about him so much?

“Promise me,” said Ydris. “Promise me that, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much you want to, you won’t hurt yourself again.”

“Okay, I promise,” said Jack.

“Good, because I love you,” said Ydris. “And I’d fight anyone who’d hurt you. I’d fight your demons if I could, but I can’t. I can only ask that you don’t hurt yourself again.”

“You know you can’t fix me, right?” said Jack.

“Yes, I do know that,” said Ydris. “All I can do is keep you as happy as possible.”

“And you do,” said Jack. “I know at first I thought you were too good for me, and that I didn’t deserve happiness, but I’ve finally managed to overcome that. If only because you always check up on me. Even if I’ve had the worst day, even if I don’t even want to get out of bed or even just be, I can usually manage to convince myself to come see you.”

“In future, just send me a text if you feel low at the start of the day,” said Ydris. “Even just a blank text, I don’t care. Just let me know so I can come and…”

“And what, stop me from doing anything stupid?” asked Jack. “Trust me, I do feel stupid for doing that. And I’ll never do it again.”

“But you might do something else,” said Ydris.

“See, this is why I never wanted you to see them, because I knew you’d worry like this,” said Jack.

“Of course I worry about you, Jack, I love you,” said Ydris. Jack felt his chest getting tight again, and it had nothing to do with his binder. Jack still wasn’t sure what Ydris saw in him, or why he loved him so much, or how he even deserved the love of this wonderful man. He wanted to protect Ydris from this darker side of him, from his fucked-up past and all the mistakes he’d made, but Ydris was clearly having none of it.

“I love you too,” said Jack. “And I could never leave you.” Even if his mind sometimes almost managed to convince him otherwise. He wouldn’t be surprised at all if one morning he didn’t send a message, and Ydris came in too late. Knowing Ydris, he’d somehow manage to revive him.

“If I ever lost you, I don’t know how I’d cope,” said Ydris. “You are the most precious thing in this world to me.” Jack couldn’t speak, he could only hold his boyfriend and try to blink back tears. If Ydris was the thing that anchored him to this world, Jack supposed that it was time to let him in. As much as Ydris could understand, anyway. And as much as Jack was comfortable telling him.


End file.
